my enneagram

I've had a difficult time this week brainstorming what to write about next following that last post. This could very well be an instance where I'm overthinking something very simple, but I've been trying to figure out that fine line between servanthood to others and bettering one's self. I'd like to be more involved with helping other people. I wish I had more money to give, more time to donate, and more of a voice for the voiceless. Yes, I've taken the occassional dog-sitting, pet-sitting, house-sitting, house-cleaning gig, but I mean something a little more intense that requires more effort on my part. It's been since last year's Nashville flood and the following flood relief efforts that I really felt like I could make use of my time to help other people in need (this, in large part, because of the generosity from work to let us help others during work hours). During that process, I felt like I was living a good example of what we should be doing day to day. Shifting towards the opposite end of the spectrum, I also feel it's important to strive for personal growth as well. Are the two really opposite ends or do I just struggle with feeling that way when I think about how to become a better person? Can the two be co-productive?

This week on Shauna's blog, she wrote about the nine different Enneagrams. As I read through the categories, I discovered that I am a type four (with type five variation). This explains quite a bit about my personality and tendencies!

You can check out more detailed information on her blog link above, or by clicking on the icon below:



On the Enneagram Institute's website there are recommendations for each type that encourage personal growth. In summary, the recommendations for a four inlclude the following:

Don't rely on emotions. Hmm...dramatizations are highly possible in my world. From an unnamed source, I have been noted to have two extremes: things are either really good or really bad. I think this is mostly true, with a huge unmentioning of the inbetween (which is probably the majority of the time) that is the laid back safe zone. I could stand to remain more often in the middle-high range :) Noted!

Commit to productivity. Suddenly I'm remembering Sean's birthday artwork from two years ago that has yet to be finished and the family recipe book that took two years to complete!! This one can definitely use some work! I have a huge list of unfinished art projects to start/complete and books to read!

Elicit positive experiences. I have done this lately with food and friendships, and I'm going to keep striving for more of these.

Practice healthy self-discipline. This is especially difficult because of the motivation factor behind the productivity reccommendation above. I have high hopes for running and getting my finances in check, but there are many, many lapses!

Live life, rather than just imagining it. This is funny...and true! I have quite an imagination and can entertain myself with exaggerated humorous situations and sometimes don't notice the isolation in doing so.

I found this very enlightening!! What enneagram are you??

Ephesians 1:11 (The Message)
11-12 It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.

This is true, whether we may be a one, four or nine! I can guarantee that not all twos are the same. We are each created differently with a unique purpose. I feel challenged to use who I am, what I know, and work on those things (mentioned above) that may need a bit of tweaking in order to fulfill my potential.

cancer

If I were to sum up my thoughts today in one word, it would simply be, "why?" Not that I felt like questioning God and His plans, but sometimes I wish I had more of the answers. There's a lot that I don't understand, hurts that people have to deal with, challenges and struggles, and I wish I knew why so I could better help. The way that this all came about was cyclical in a strange way.

I just received a letter from the probation officer working my theft/burglary case from August 2009. They needed information from me in order to set up the restitution as part of the probation program for the defendant. As I submitted the paperwork for processing, I myself began to process a lot.

The burglary happened on August 28, what would've been my Grandma's birthday. I was planning to meet my Grandpa for lunch and possibly go visit her gravesite if he cared to; I was planning on showing him my new place as well. When I got home early from work that day, I was so naiive. There were glass fragments scattered around my back door and the door itself was ajar, but I just thought maybe I had slammed the door shut too hard. I quickly began to straighten my place up because I wanted my Grandpa to appreciate my place and feel I was safe. Then there were the little things. The missing pillowcase. The missing jewelry box. At that point, I began to feel a little shaken. Was this really happening? The puppy was okay. Had he seen anything? Nothing looked moved in that room where his crate was. I went to the kitchen, and sure enough, the laptop on my desk was gone as well as random electronics. Everything that had been moved now had things cleverly put back in their place. I hadn't noticed! The rest of the day became more of a process: needing to report this, needing to alert the neighbors, needing to make calls, needing to pack up and stay at my parents for the night. Overall, it just seemed fitting that on what would've been another of my Grandma's birthday, they took all her jewelry. It was hard enough losing my Grandmother to cancer after only one week of knowing her body was being destroyed by this disease, but now I would have to lose her possessions too? They were suppossed to help me carry the memories I had.

The easiest part turned out to be parting with actual losses. Afterall, it was all just "stuff." Of the most valuable items, none of them were really mine. They were more representative of a person I loved. The harder part became dealing with the vulnerability. Having a guard dog helped, and more than that, the support of family and friends got me through. I can't tell you how many nights in that house that I would constantly repeat, "God has not given a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind."

Now, a year and a half later, it seems justice is served. Someone did something wrong and is now taking responsibility for it.

Strangely enough, where my thoughts have led me is to question all the situations in life where justice isn't served. Where there seems to be no justice at all. Where things just happen to good, undeserving people. I cannot imagine what it feels like to hear the doctor say that there are cancerous cells within the body - attacking, killing, and mutating healthy cells. I would imagine that feelings of vulnerability would be so overwhelming and that much of the doctors words would become silent.














I work in the healthcare industry, with specific emphasis on cancer care, so I am not new to seeing the impact of what this disease has on individuals and families. That said, I've been overwhelmed with emotions while reading some of these stories recently. I've felt sadness, heartache, hope and joy. I don't even know all these people, but I can't help but hurt and want to hope for them. Some of these stores are about survival and others about needing to survive in a different way, without a loved one who lost their battle. Being faced with struggles, their lives have become a hopeful journey, one that only God can provide. The similiarity in their stories is also overwhelming. While their lives seem to be theirs, it's clear to me they are really God's being used in a uniquely different way. They really have such strength! How inspiring!

There are always things to be thankful for, memories to cherish, lives to celebrate. Those things are not lost. I'm amazed at how some people handle loss and hurt and how they still manage to live joyously and celebrate moments even when it's hard. I can't begin to imagine what it's like, but I can say with certainty that I want to live with that same hope every day amidst a world of darkness. I want to celebrate my God's mighty power even when things look bleak.

in the moment

Valerie Koop is an inspirational blogger and photographer whose blog "is a beautifully woven story of life….even when cancer is a part of it." Early this month her husband, the father of her two small children, passed away after a long battle with cancer. An auction benefit has been developed on her behalf, which you can check out here.

don't waste your cancer...or your life

Libby Ryder is a blogger who celebrates now being cancer free. She chronicles her journey and fully celebrates life. Her friends are rallying alongside her to raise money for her medical bills by running the Music City Hall half-marathon. You can find out information on her team and a video created by her friends here.

hope won't disappoint me

Ally West lost her battle with cancer a few weeks ago. She was diagnosed with Stage IV colorectal cancer in November 2010 at age 26. Her family and friends set up a donation for help with the medical bills since she underwent surgery and aggressive treatment with hope and faith that they would conquer the disease. Still yet, ‎"Hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." -Romans 5:5

DeYoung Family

The DeYoung Family just flew back to the States from Tanzania after they discovered their daughter Lola became ill. They have discovered that at 5 years old, she has Leukemia. They have set up a contribution for their funds at the link above, and you can see a darling picture here on Kelly Braman's blog.

While I don't fully understand why, I don't have to in order to know that God is still using these people and their stories for His purpose. With an outpouring of love, comfort that only He can bring, and underlying hope, it is clear that God continues to work when we least expect it. I wish I was able to lend more support, but at the least, I can pass their info on. God is mighty and can still work through it.

...


On a personal note, this challenges me to be more aware of what I can do in the moment, how I can better use my time and talent, and how not to let this life pass me by without having any impact beyond my often selfish self!

on days when I'm feeling down...

...this curious face pops up and cheers my day:

























"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."

-unknown

the question I get asked most often at work...

...by far, is, "where was your desktop background picture taken?" While I knew it was some place in Italy, I wasn't exactly sure of the name. All I knew was that it was someplace I'd like to go, and I use it to take a mental vacation every now and then (well, not really, but that's a nice thought). So I decided to do some research.

















photo by Tony Helsloot

It's a place called Manarola, Cinque Terre, Italy...and isn't it beautiful?

The second most often asked question is probably a close tie between, "what are you doing for lunch today?" and "what do you have against wearing socks?" :)

star quality

This week in Phillipians, we discussed the importance of eliminating complaining. As a more Christlike alternative, we should instead choose to trust Him in the face of disappointment. Not to mention, disappointment usually comes from our own self-sought expectations.

Phillipians 2:12-18 (NIV)
Shining as Stars
12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
14 Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16 as you hold out[a] the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

If we attempt to become blameless and pure children of God, we'll "shine like the stars in the universe", offering a reflective life of who Christ was and is. This, in turn, will bring hope to the despair.

It's funny how many times in conversation I will bring up something negative. I have no idea where it comes from or why I do it. Negativity feeds on negativity. I can't imagine how much more beneficial it would be to replace every negative thought or word with something encouraging instead!

determination and confidence

Photography class

Last Saturday, I took a photogaphy class with my dad at the Nashville Zoo in lieu of our monthly breakfast. It was a lot of fun! Highlights of the day were getting to see the giraffes up close in the barn and feed them leaves, as well as get to see the baby giraffe. I also enjoyed seeing the baby meerkats (so cute!). We had two great photo ops: a close up of the elephants and a photo shoot with a young Eurasian Lynx.































































A tip that I learned about animal photography, aside from camera setting specifics, was to take pictures at the animal's eye level for the most dramatic shots. This is in stark contrast to people and landscape shots that are best taken from below and above for interesting photographs.

Not all the animals were out that day due to the cold weather conditions. Nonetheless, I went through four batteries and took nearly 1800 pictures. Here are a few more of my favorites from the day:
















































































































If I go back to the zoo, I'd like to spend more time with the cats and in the aviary.